Emotion overload

Hmm..

So I thought going interstate for the footy would help me.. ya know.. getting back to normal or whatever normal is now. I was wrong.

At 2pm on Friday we left Melbourne for Adelaide. All was well thought it was going to be great blah blah. About 4 hours in L started blabbering on and on about her new grand-daughter (4 months old) for about an hour. For half of it it was alright I chucked my earphones in and listened to some music but then my iphone went flat :( And I had to listen to it for ages. As it kept going the more and more I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. When we finally got there we had something to eat and checked in to the motel. I had a shower and went to bed.

The next morning we went to Glenelg, had a coffee with the yuppies, walked around etc. Then L takes me walking through a kids play area with a merry go round and shit. I so didnt need that. Seeing happy happy families playing with their kids. What another kick in the guts. Went to Harbourtown.. of course being a Saturday there is pram, babies, families everywhere. I normally dont put myself in this position or else I end up in the position I am in now. Angry, sad and generally over living.

On the way to Adelaide, L said she has lost 5 babies. a set of twins at 18 weeks, her daughters twin and 2 m/c. Am I the only one in thinking that she was very inconsiderate? She knew what happened to me/us. Why spend so long going on about her grand-daughter? I guess in the end its my problem and I should deal with it. I think I dealt with it pretty good. But Im the dickhead for putting myself in that situation. I didnt know anything about L before this trip so yeah.

So anyway my friend B was supposed to tell L that we were flying home on Saturday night after the game. Then L starts going on about where we will go on Sunday. Im thinking wtf? So I got B on her won (finally) and said Uh.. have you told her we are flying home? B: uh no. Me: WTF why? SO I waited and waited and by the end (at half time) I said to B are you going to tell her or not because I will. Shes like well you tell her then. FFS ok. I told her and L was fine with it but was wondering why B didnt tell her. All good we won. After match function was shit, I was sick of humanity and ended up grabbing my stuff and waiting outside for everyone to come out. I could feel myself getting more worked up as the time went on.

We had something to eat and then L drove us to the airport and yeah. Flew home. We got in at about 11.15pm and I said to B call K to see if he can leave to pick us up. And she goes ohh I hope he has finished work.. Im thinking fucking great we call no answer, I tried to call his work no answer, tried to call her niece no answer. By the end we ended up getting a taxi which cost $81 to her house. If I had known he wasnt going to pick us up like he said I would have left my car at the airport and then drove B home then went home. I got home at 1.30am after having a sob in the car on the way home. Everything just felt like a weight of bricks on my head I couldnt take it anymore. Was happy to be home.

Im thinking of cancelling my flights to Brisbane if its going to be like this again. I missed Craig and I wasnt ready for a night away. Brisbane is 2 nights away, I dont think I can handle it at the moment.

It wasnt just the inconsiderate conversations etc it was the little comments too. "Oh dont worry you'll have another one" or "I believe she was an angel not ready for this earth just yet"

I DONT WANT ANOTHER BABY. I WANT MY BABY BACK. NO BABY WILL REPLACE HER. EVER.

Nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever.

Alot

Been alot going on since my last post. I have been lazy not posting really.

We both went to the FS the other week. He was a bit confused why we were there when I'm supposed to have a 2 month old. We told him the story and he was kind of appauled that it happened and the ending of it all. "Its not the way I would have done things" was his words. He sent me for some bloods that the hospital already did while I was there and some bloods to see if I was ovulating. And to see him in 2 weeks.

Two weeks passed and again I found him back in his office with my trusty notepad full of questions. At first he goes well you ovulated! And I was like what?!? I looked at the level and I thought hmm thats strange it seems so similar to the level last year. So I went on and he answered all the questions I had. We have a less than 5% chance of an abruption happening again. I told him as an ob he was too expensive and that I cant afford him. He sold himself pretty well to me and said when the time comes call him and he will look after me. Yay for a discount. He is such a good doctor, yes he may be arrogant but hey arent they all? Just before I was going to leave I said bah, are you sure I ovulated? So he got out the results again and looked and went oh look no you didnt. He got the years wrong. Phew. I got a script for clomid, one for provera (to bring on my period) and a path slip for CD23 BT to see if I have ovulated. So I think the appointment went really well.

That was the Thursday, the next day I had an ultrasound at Monash because the doctor that delivered Hayley recons that I might have PCOS. Whatever I thought, a free look at my bits why not. MAN I didnt realise how emotional I would be walking back into that hospital alone. I have been back a couple of times, but both times Ive either had Ingri or Craig with me so going alone was really hard. I got into the waiting room and there was like a 16 year old girl pregnant sitting opposite me. I thought are you fucking serious. Here she is, just out of a womb herself and having a baby that she nor her partner will be able to provide for and my baby's ashes are in our cupboard. It was fucked. So I had the ultrasound, I may or may not have cried to the doctors in there then he goes Ohhh I know about you. Ive seen the trace, wow that was a weird one, Im so sorry. Oh and your ultrasound looks like you may have PCOS but the BT's will help. GREAT, my body fucking hates me I thought.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I had tears going out the front door. People at work were pretty good. I was doing the meds and the bank girl came up to me and was like Oooh Koby have you had the baby yet?!? I was like yep. She's like awww what did you have?! Im like a girl. Shes like Aw so sweet a baby girl, Im like mmmm.. and she walked away. I tried to find her because I just had to tell her. Then I was walking around and the porter cam up to me and goess I havent seen you in ages, hows the baby going? That broke me down, I just burst into tears. I felt sorry for the poor guy, he didnt know, the bank girl didnt know. After I had a cry and some cuddles I was alright. The bank girl said she knew she had said something wrong from the look on my face. Oh well, the rest of the day went okay except for the greek lady falling. All good.

I also forgot to kinda mentioned that we are engaged :)

Its beautiful :) I chose it myself :)

So this weekend Im going to Adelaide. Driving over with a few people from the cheer squad and flying back on Saturday night. Hopefully it will all go alright.

Toodles for now.