?

Went for a nice drive today. To Healesville and then had a look at Marysville. Healesville was a bit boring, the only good thing there was the Beechworth Bakery. And that my pie was awesome. Marysville was also boring, seriously I thought they would have rebuilt it already after the fires. So much work to go I recon. 

We were sitting in the bakery eating and there was babies and kids everywhere. I was thinking how we could have been there with Hayley, wheeling her around, smiling and laughing. Bit sad really. I cant even really enjoy anything anymore. It might have also been because just before we were leaving mum called me to say this girl I have known for ages is pregnant. She is 25, married to some Balinese guy, no job and still lives at home. Sigh. I hate my life. 

Enough for now.

Unaware

Was reading the Teddy Love Club book we got when Hayley died. There is a quote in it from another grieving mother and its so bloody true.

"It's more than the loss of your baby, Loss of a chance at motherhood, Loss of being blissfully unaware"

True isn't it. Every pregnancy from now on is going to be full of anxiety, not just from me but from him too. I was harping on about it last night when I was feeling down. Going on and on about it, I didn't mean to its just I will never have that nice pregnancy again filled with no worry. Ill always be anxious. Is he/she alive? OMG it hasn't moved in so long he/she must be dead etc.

I know I think way too far ahead but I also think about what if I don't get to take the next baby home? How will we cope with that? I had a vision of knocking myself off after that thought. I couldn't do this again. Imagine going through a whole pregnancy again to leave empty handed, go through another c section, another funeral. I cant, I wont. I am not going through this again, Id rather not be here at all.

Craig got a bit shirty at me last night over it all. Says I don't care about what he is feeling. He never says anything. I'm the one who cries, gets angry. I lied, he SOMETIMES says something. But I don't want to speak on behalf of him. We are feeling the same thing but in different ways. He went on to say about how he never gets any support. I support him if he wants to talk about it but I think he meant from outside people. His parents gave him no support and I think that's what he wanted. I suggested talking to the SIDS counsellor but he wouldn't have a bar of it. What can I do? 

Forgot to mention the other day I paid for my application to get my medical records. *waits* Only 10 days until we hopefully find out what went wrong. Hopefully it comes up with something, I mean it should. But I don't know how we would feel if it was "unexplained". 

I am lying in Hayley's room at the moment, it smells like baby wipes. Its so lovely. 

Love you Hayley xox

One month

One month ago our baby girl was born, our hopes and dreams were dashed and we were filled with heartache and sorrow. :( 

It feels like so much longer. I really can't believe its only been a month.Sigh I/We miss her so much. I try not to cry in front of Craig about her. I dont want to upset him. Even though he doesnt care if I do but I dont think he wats to be reminded about it all the time. Because once we start we get onto the feeling ripped off and why's and what if's. 

Also today I made my first appearance back at Monash. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Ingrid and I took the basket of stuff up to the birth suite and met Kat (MW) there. The reason I was there is because Ingrid nominated Kat for an award within Southern Health and she was one of five winners for the March quarter. Ingrid did a lovely entry for her and I teared up when the man was reading it out. How caring and compassionate she was for a patient who lost their baby during labour. Kat deserved that award so much. In my eyes she deserves more than that. She went beyond the call of duty. Taking photos for us, putting them on disks, staying behind 2 hours after her shift had finished because I was being discharged. Theres so much more she has done which I could never thank her enough for. Today she gave me this photo she took at Phi Phi Island in Thailand. She wrote her name in the sand. Cried like a bitch when I got home after Ingrid left. 

Isn't it beautiful?? I love it so much.

Also ladies from the BB forum all pitched in and got us this beautiful painting on a canvas.

 

It is absolutely gorgeous. Again I cried like a bitch :/ Ive decided when I finally get to take a baby home (please soon) that Ill put it up under the cot. It will be like she is looking over her brother/sister.

I love these photos of Hayley and Craig <3

Grief

They say men and women grieve differently. Up until last night I 'understood' but kind of didn't see it through my own eyes.

We were lying in bed, I was tired but awake and he was dozing. He cuddled me and asked if I was alright. I had just been looking at her photos on my phone and crying. I said I missed her. He snapped said he missed her too and that he doesn't want to be reminded everyday. He said that he doesn't want to forget her. I'm sorry but that sounds like he wants to forget, not talk about her. I don't know whether he actually meant it or whether he was just half asleep and shitty. I'm scared to ask him in case we get into an arguement. :/

Should I be over her death already? Am I not grieving normally? I haven't even called him today, I'm not going to bother. He'll ask why but meh.

I found this poem for fathers:

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Ya know.. I dont want to do this anymore. Nope. Im over it.

Meltdown

Why do I do this to myself?


I build up my feelings then get to a point where I can't take it anymore then have a total meltdown :( I miss my baby :( I want her back and I know shes never coming back but I fucking want her. This isn't right, we shouldn't be going through this. We should be sitting here totally in love with our little girl but that is never going to happen. I'll never see her smile, first words, crawling, walking, never see her walk down the isle. I know that's far away but I had so many dreams and hopes for her and now they are gone. Just to have that newborn cuddle again, god I'd do anything for that. The smell oh I love it.

We had the SIDS counsellor come over on Friday. He was a very nice man and we talked through everything. He mentioned about a couple of support groups but I don't think I need them atm. They also have a group for when your TTC or pregnant again. I think that's great. He is going to call again after Easter.

So my mum is on a plane back to Perth now. It all happened so quick at about 4.30pm she came to me and said she has an appointment with her solicitor on Tuesday and she cant cancel because she will get charged $160. I wasn't that worried and started to look for flights. Then there was a cheap one for tonight so I kind of talked her into taking it. Told her I'll be fine that I wont slit my wrists or anything, I think she felt really guilty for leaving. When we were saying goodbye at the airport I got all choked up. I don't know if I am going to be okay? The way I feel atm I'm not going to be okay. Craig is working Mon-Thurs. I just need to have a good cry I think, Ive held it in for too long.

Hayley mummy misses you :'(

Three long weeks

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since Hayley was born. Feels like so much longer, yet so raw still. I guess every week I'm going to be like this. Oh wow 4 weeks etc. The counsellor from SIDS and Kids rang today. He is coming over on Friday afternoon. I don't know how good it will be to talk to him? I mean what's he going to say that's different from anyone else? Hayley is gone, she isn't coming back. We'll see how it goes.

I couldn't sleep last night, the whole thing was running through my head. Going into the PAU, watching the monitor, wishing I'd yelled something out, wishing I had done something different. The fear I had when they were wheeling me down to surgery, the pain and mostly the look on Craig's face. That WTF is going on look. I always think about those 2 hours he spent alone, not knowing what was happening to me and Hayley. And for him to find out that 2 hours later that Hayley had passed away and to think of how devastated I was going to be. What about him? He was so strong. I don't know how he did it. That's my man <3

So back to the MIL files. Apparently before I get pregnant again... I need to lose weight. ROFL. This coming from that heffer. I look better 40 weeks pregnant than she does daily. My mum told her to go look in the mirror and that its like the pot calling the kettle black which she replied "that's uncalled for" ROFL. Seriously mole, you dish it out, you have to learn how to take it. Her ass is twice the size as mine and apparently its not the first time she has said it. When we went up to Cairns in October last year she said to Craig I needed to lose weight. Dude I was 18 weeks pregnant and Id lost 10-12kgs. Fuck you :) Sly, tight arse bitch. Oh and don't worry her day will come. I want to ask Craig about it but he has enough going on without me asking about her shit. 

I'm trying to think of the future. Three weeks until we find out if it was Placental abruption. Three weeks until I can think about seeing the fertility specialist again. I guess I need to see the GP too. So hopefully those things will keep me busy. I don't think so lol but the thought is nice. I wish this bleeding would stop. I got excited earlier because the blood was next to nothing but nope its back :( 

Three weeks on, we think about you every minute Hayley xo I hope you and Jack aren't getting into too much trouble up there!

Healing

So time for a gloating session. My C-section scar looks pretty damn good. There is only a little bit on the RHS that is sore. The rest is pretty good. DP looks at it every night to check and Im so anal about making sure its dry etc. Cant help it, its the nurse in me. So theres a picture below its taken by me on my phone so not the best quality but it gives you an idea of what it looks like. Its still numb/painful on my B stomach but still looking/feeling good.

So to more pressing matters. DP's parents came over today. Now MIL never looked at Hayley's photos because "she wasnt ready"... how fucking convienient she decides she is "ready" today. Considering they are going back on Tuesday and today was the last day we would see them. I guess its good for DP that they have finally seen them all. But Im not fooled. When someone cant even call their grand-daughter by her name but can say "that baby" or "it". She has pissed me off way too many times in the last nearly 2 weeks for me not to talk to her for a long time. So much that if/when we get pregnant again I don't even want to tell her. My parents/siblings have been more support for DP than his own. Which is very sad.

Im off to bed. Even though I got up at 2pm, Im tired.  

On this note I leave this poem.

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without. 

 We love and miss you so much Hayley. <3

Feeling shithouse

Nothing matters anymore?

Footy used to be my outlet, I'd do anything for it. Now? I couldnt give two shits tbh.

I have just spent an hour looking and crying over Hayley's photos. God she is beautiful. Why was she taken from us? Since when is this fair? 

I'm so sick of seeing people complain about their kids, what they have done. AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOME. WE ARE LEFT WITH NOTHING, NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY NURSERY AND EMPTY ARMS.

Fuck, be thankful for what you have got.

I have such a headache from all these thoughts racing through my head. I hope I wake up tomorrow in a better frame of mind. Craig's parents are supposedly coming over tomorrow. I need all my strength to not slap the fuck out of his mother. Complaining about shit, cant call Hayley by her name.

Isnt she beautiful.

Birth story

She was one very wanted baby. After 1.5 years of TTC we finally became pregnant. Very apprehensively we got through the pregancy. I feel I always knew something was going to go wrong. It was all too good to be true.

It got towards the end of the pregnancy about 37 weeks when I was getting so anxious. So anxious looking back I think I needed medication TBH. At my 38 week appt I told them how I was feeling and about my dreams that I was going to leave hospital empty handed. When I went back for monitoring for my BP the dr gave me a S&S at 38+3. The next day I lost my plug.

So came the 40w appointment. They couldnt find my file. GREAT. Then my name was called and it was the person who I never wanted to see. She only had a piece of paper and said "Well, we cant find your file, dont worry it happens from time to time.. so I know nothing about you!" ... okay.. The usual appt went by and I said Id like another S&S. She bluntly told me she doesnt believe in them and that if the first one didnt work OBVIOUSLY a second wouldnt. SO I made another appt for 41w and noticed on the slip that it had "tracked to birth suite" on it. WHY DIDNT THEY GO AND GET IT? Seriously? I would have gone to get it. I got to my car and I started hyperventilating and crying, I called DP and vented to him.

Monday 21/3/11

At about 1.30pm I felt a weird kinda movement thing I thought that was weird. At about 2pm I started getting some pains thinking they were BH I went to Safeway did some shopping and stuff then came home. At about 4pm maybe they really started to ramp up. I called the hospital at about 6pm and said the contractions were 6mins apart lasting for like 30 seconds. She said to stay home and monitor them. At about 7pm maybe or a little later I called back and said I just couldnt handle the pain anymore so she said to come in. When we got in she put the trace on and Hayleys HR was 180 and I was in excruiciating pain. This indian dr came in and sat there looking at the trace. her HR wasnt going from 180. He put in a cannula then suddenly there was another 3-4 doctors in there monitoring her.

Then a few minutes later this dr that was holding the thing on my tummy said that its gone to 50 CALL A CODE. Then Im being asked to get on a trolley. They are yelling to each other to call theatre, get the lift, the door and whatnot. Poor DP was standing there not knowing what to do he ended up coming with me. I was crying asking whats going on etc. I get wheeled into theatre and patslided over to the bed. They were asking me all these questions. I could feel the dr giving me an internal and then the catheter went in. All this while I have a mask on my face and I was getting stripped and the cold betadine being rubbed on my belly.

Then I was out cold.

I woke up and DP was standing next to me. I was saying wheres my baby, wheres my baby is she alright? The dr then told me she didnt make it. DP said I just howled NOOOO. And sobbed. Then a bit later Hayley was brought to us. God she was beautiful, just stunning. I started to shake her, trying to make her wake up but she didnt. TBH I dont remember heaps of this bit because I was so drugged. I do remember they took me to the normal ward to a room right next to the nursery. I could hear all these screaming babies. Then they came in and asked if we wanted to go back to the birth suite so we did.

We didnt know anything that happened. The dr came in and said that when they got Hayley out she wasnt breathing. They worked on her for 40 minutes, I lost 900mls of blood and she was so distressed in there that there was so much meconium. They dont really know why yet but their guess is Placental abruption.