Was reading the Teddy Love Club book we got when Hayley died. There is a quote in it from another grieving mother and its so bloody true.
"It's more than the loss of your baby, Loss of a chance at motherhood, Loss of being blissfully unaware"
True isn't it. Every pregnancy from now on is going to be full of anxiety, not just from me but from him too. I was harping on about it last night when I was feeling down. Going on and on about it, I didn't mean to its just I will never have that nice pregnancy again filled with no worry. Ill always be anxious. Is he/she alive? OMG it hasn't moved in so long he/she must be dead etc.
I know I think way too far ahead but I also think about what if I don't get to take the next baby home? How will we cope with that? I had a vision of knocking myself off after that thought. I couldn't do this again. Imagine going through a whole pregnancy again to leave empty handed, go through another c section, another funeral. I cant, I wont. I am not going through this again, Id rather not be here at all.
Craig got a bit shirty at me last night over it all. Says I don't care about what he is feeling. He never says anything. I'm the one who cries, gets angry. I lied, he SOMETIMES says something. But I don't want to speak on behalf of him. We are feeling the same thing but in different ways. He went on to say about how he never gets any support. I support him if he wants to talk about it but I think he meant from outside people. His parents gave him no support and I think that's what he wanted. I suggested talking to the SIDS counsellor but he wouldn't have a bar of it. What can I do?
Forgot to mention the other day I paid for my application to get my medical records. *waits* Only 10 days until we hopefully find out what went wrong. Hopefully it comes up with something, I mean it should. But I don't know how we would feel if it was "unexplained".
I am lying in Hayley's room at the moment, it smells like baby wipes. Its so lovely.
I just want to scoop you both up and hold use until use are ready, (weird i know) You guys are both so fragile right now, that any little bit of tension or anxiety can turn you into a mess with no cause or even thought.
ReplyDeleteIs ther anyone you can talk to to talk to craig?
Maybe a mate or one of his brothers if he has?
I think he needs someone to open him up, maybe he feels trapped, cause he feels he didnt get that outlet at the time?
Like ive said time is the key, but you both are doing what is the norm for now, I remember with my babies, i had one screaming and one passed, i didnt have time to grieve, to cry for my little boy or even take the time to realise what had happened.. and i pay for it everyday of my life, but i had to keep going because i had my sweet little boy also.. not saying anything your doing is wrong at all, pls dont take it that way, im just saying everyone will do what they need to do to grieve and understand the things that have happened....
Your sweet little hayley has touched so many and is in so many peoples minds, she is truely precious,,
Huge hugs babe Love Z&A..