Horrible dreams.

I don't dream alot anymore. Which I am happy about because I know when I do it's horrible and I end up feeling shit for the rest of the day.

I was having a c-section and I had a baby girl. She was screaming, we were happy and I think Craig was jumping up and down at one point. Then suddenly they ran out with her and we just looked at each other like wtf. I don't know how I got there but I was standing at this glass door (the same door as the pregnancy assessment unit at Monash). When I looked inside they were doing CPR on 2 babies. I was pounding on the door crying and screaming Caitlin, wanting to know if it was my baby. I never found out because I woke up in tears :(

I hope it isn't a sign of things to come. Feel like just giving up

Emotion overload

Hmm..

So I thought going interstate for the footy would help me.. ya know.. getting back to normal or whatever normal is now. I was wrong.

At 2pm on Friday we left Melbourne for Adelaide. All was well thought it was going to be great blah blah. About 4 hours in L started blabbering on and on about her new grand-daughter (4 months old) for about an hour. For half of it it was alright I chucked my earphones in and listened to some music but then my iphone went flat :( And I had to listen to it for ages. As it kept going the more and more I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. When we finally got there we had something to eat and checked in to the motel. I had a shower and went to bed.

The next morning we went to Glenelg, had a coffee with the yuppies, walked around etc. Then L takes me walking through a kids play area with a merry go round and shit. I so didnt need that. Seeing happy happy families playing with their kids. What another kick in the guts. Went to Harbourtown.. of course being a Saturday there is pram, babies, families everywhere. I normally dont put myself in this position or else I end up in the position I am in now. Angry, sad and generally over living.

On the way to Adelaide, L said she has lost 5 babies. a set of twins at 18 weeks, her daughters twin and 2 m/c. Am I the only one in thinking that she was very inconsiderate? She knew what happened to me/us. Why spend so long going on about her grand-daughter? I guess in the end its my problem and I should deal with it. I think I dealt with it pretty good. But Im the dickhead for putting myself in that situation. I didnt know anything about L before this trip so yeah.

So anyway my friend B was supposed to tell L that we were flying home on Saturday night after the game. Then L starts going on about where we will go on Sunday. Im thinking wtf? So I got B on her won (finally) and said Uh.. have you told her we are flying home? B: uh no. Me: WTF why? SO I waited and waited and by the end (at half time) I said to B are you going to tell her or not because I will. Shes like well you tell her then. FFS ok. I told her and L was fine with it but was wondering why B didnt tell her. All good we won. After match function was shit, I was sick of humanity and ended up grabbing my stuff and waiting outside for everyone to come out. I could feel myself getting more worked up as the time went on.

We had something to eat and then L drove us to the airport and yeah. Flew home. We got in at about 11.15pm and I said to B call K to see if he can leave to pick us up. And she goes ohh I hope he has finished work.. Im thinking fucking great we call no answer, I tried to call his work no answer, tried to call her niece no answer. By the end we ended up getting a taxi which cost $81 to her house. If I had known he wasnt going to pick us up like he said I would have left my car at the airport and then drove B home then went home. I got home at 1.30am after having a sob in the car on the way home. Everything just felt like a weight of bricks on my head I couldnt take it anymore. Was happy to be home.

Im thinking of cancelling my flights to Brisbane if its going to be like this again. I missed Craig and I wasnt ready for a night away. Brisbane is 2 nights away, I dont think I can handle it at the moment.

It wasnt just the inconsiderate conversations etc it was the little comments too. "Oh dont worry you'll have another one" or "I believe she was an angel not ready for this earth just yet"

I DONT WANT ANOTHER BABY. I WANT MY BABY BACK. NO BABY WILL REPLACE HER. EVER.

Nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever.

Alot

Been alot going on since my last post. I have been lazy not posting really.

We both went to the FS the other week. He was a bit confused why we were there when I'm supposed to have a 2 month old. We told him the story and he was kind of appauled that it happened and the ending of it all. "Its not the way I would have done things" was his words. He sent me for some bloods that the hospital already did while I was there and some bloods to see if I was ovulating. And to see him in 2 weeks.

Two weeks passed and again I found him back in his office with my trusty notepad full of questions. At first he goes well you ovulated! And I was like what?!? I looked at the level and I thought hmm thats strange it seems so similar to the level last year. So I went on and he answered all the questions I had. We have a less than 5% chance of an abruption happening again. I told him as an ob he was too expensive and that I cant afford him. He sold himself pretty well to me and said when the time comes call him and he will look after me. Yay for a discount. He is such a good doctor, yes he may be arrogant but hey arent they all? Just before I was going to leave I said bah, are you sure I ovulated? So he got out the results again and looked and went oh look no you didnt. He got the years wrong. Phew. I got a script for clomid, one for provera (to bring on my period) and a path slip for CD23 BT to see if I have ovulated. So I think the appointment went really well.

That was the Thursday, the next day I had an ultrasound at Monash because the doctor that delivered Hayley recons that I might have PCOS. Whatever I thought, a free look at my bits why not. MAN I didnt realise how emotional I would be walking back into that hospital alone. I have been back a couple of times, but both times Ive either had Ingri or Craig with me so going alone was really hard. I got into the waiting room and there was like a 16 year old girl pregnant sitting opposite me. I thought are you fucking serious. Here she is, just out of a womb herself and having a baby that she nor her partner will be able to provide for and my baby's ashes are in our cupboard. It was fucked. So I had the ultrasound, I may or may not have cried to the doctors in there then he goes Ohhh I know about you. Ive seen the trace, wow that was a weird one, Im so sorry. Oh and your ultrasound looks like you may have PCOS but the BT's will help. GREAT, my body fucking hates me I thought.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I had tears going out the front door. People at work were pretty good. I was doing the meds and the bank girl came up to me and was like Oooh Koby have you had the baby yet?!? I was like yep. She's like awww what did you have?! Im like a girl. Shes like Aw so sweet a baby girl, Im like mmmm.. and she walked away. I tried to find her because I just had to tell her. Then I was walking around and the porter cam up to me and goess I havent seen you in ages, hows the baby going? That broke me down, I just burst into tears. I felt sorry for the poor guy, he didnt know, the bank girl didnt know. After I had a cry and some cuddles I was alright. The bank girl said she knew she had said something wrong from the look on my face. Oh well, the rest of the day went okay except for the greek lady falling. All good.

I also forgot to kinda mentioned that we are engaged :)

Its beautiful :) I chose it myself :)

So this weekend Im going to Adelaide. Driving over with a few people from the cheer squad and flying back on Saturday night. Hopefully it will all go alright.

Toodles for now.

Catch up

Wow been awhile hasn't it.

Just been plodding along really. My sister arrived last night from Perth for a couple of weeks. Been good to have her here, taking my mind of things. But tonight I dunno what has set me off, I cant stop thinking about her, about what I'm missing out on. Just had a shower so I could have a good cry. :(

On Thursday I went to Craig's work to have lunch with him and I saw his bosses wife there. We had lunch blah blah the boys went back to work and we sat there talking.. and she asked how I was and that was it the tears flowed. We talked for about an hour. I think I needed it, to talk to someone else you know. I also made my first trip to Southland after that. Was hard actually, children everywhere :( Everyone except me seemed to have a baby or be pregnant.

On Friday a girl from work rang and we went out for lunch at a cafe in Mordialloc. It was alright, wasn't really in the mood but I dragged myself out anyway. When I got home about a half an hour after Kevin from SIDS and Kids rang and omg did I need to talk to someone. Blabbed on about stuff for an hour with him. Felt bad for wasting his time really, probably so many other mums out there that need him too.

Man, I just want her back. Just a cuddle but I know I couldn't stop at that. I want her back forever. Its not fucking fair. I'm over it. 

I'm going to the GP tomorrow. I'm not sleeping well :( I guess for a 6 week check up too and a referral to see Dr Lawrence again. I just have to try and think positive to the future like Craig tells me to. Fuck its hard, how does he do it because at times like this I can't.

?

Went for a nice drive today. To Healesville and then had a look at Marysville. Healesville was a bit boring, the only good thing there was the Beechworth Bakery. And that my pie was awesome. Marysville was also boring, seriously I thought they would have rebuilt it already after the fires. So much work to go I recon. 

We were sitting in the bakery eating and there was babies and kids everywhere. I was thinking how we could have been there with Hayley, wheeling her around, smiling and laughing. Bit sad really. I cant even really enjoy anything anymore. It might have also been because just before we were leaving mum called me to say this girl I have known for ages is pregnant. She is 25, married to some Balinese guy, no job and still lives at home. Sigh. I hate my life. 

Enough for now.

Unaware

Was reading the Teddy Love Club book we got when Hayley died. There is a quote in it from another grieving mother and its so bloody true.

"It's more than the loss of your baby, Loss of a chance at motherhood, Loss of being blissfully unaware"

True isn't it. Every pregnancy from now on is going to be full of anxiety, not just from me but from him too. I was harping on about it last night when I was feeling down. Going on and on about it, I didn't mean to its just I will never have that nice pregnancy again filled with no worry. Ill always be anxious. Is he/she alive? OMG it hasn't moved in so long he/she must be dead etc.

I know I think way too far ahead but I also think about what if I don't get to take the next baby home? How will we cope with that? I had a vision of knocking myself off after that thought. I couldn't do this again. Imagine going through a whole pregnancy again to leave empty handed, go through another c section, another funeral. I cant, I wont. I am not going through this again, Id rather not be here at all.

Craig got a bit shirty at me last night over it all. Says I don't care about what he is feeling. He never says anything. I'm the one who cries, gets angry. I lied, he SOMETIMES says something. But I don't want to speak on behalf of him. We are feeling the same thing but in different ways. He went on to say about how he never gets any support. I support him if he wants to talk about it but I think he meant from outside people. His parents gave him no support and I think that's what he wanted. I suggested talking to the SIDS counsellor but he wouldn't have a bar of it. What can I do? 

Forgot to mention the other day I paid for my application to get my medical records. *waits* Only 10 days until we hopefully find out what went wrong. Hopefully it comes up with something, I mean it should. But I don't know how we would feel if it was "unexplained". 

I am lying in Hayley's room at the moment, it smells like baby wipes. Its so lovely. 

Love you Hayley xox

One month

One month ago our baby girl was born, our hopes and dreams were dashed and we were filled with heartache and sorrow. :( 

It feels like so much longer. I really can't believe its only been a month.Sigh I/We miss her so much. I try not to cry in front of Craig about her. I dont want to upset him. Even though he doesnt care if I do but I dont think he wats to be reminded about it all the time. Because once we start we get onto the feeling ripped off and why's and what if's. 

Also today I made my first appearance back at Monash. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Ingrid and I took the basket of stuff up to the birth suite and met Kat (MW) there. The reason I was there is because Ingrid nominated Kat for an award within Southern Health and she was one of five winners for the March quarter. Ingrid did a lovely entry for her and I teared up when the man was reading it out. How caring and compassionate she was for a patient who lost their baby during labour. Kat deserved that award so much. In my eyes she deserves more than that. She went beyond the call of duty. Taking photos for us, putting them on disks, staying behind 2 hours after her shift had finished because I was being discharged. Theres so much more she has done which I could never thank her enough for. Today she gave me this photo she took at Phi Phi Island in Thailand. She wrote her name in the sand. Cried like a bitch when I got home after Ingrid left. 

Isn't it beautiful?? I love it so much.

Also ladies from the BB forum all pitched in and got us this beautiful painting on a canvas.

 

It is absolutely gorgeous. Again I cried like a bitch :/ Ive decided when I finally get to take a baby home (please soon) that Ill put it up under the cot. It will be like she is looking over her brother/sister.

I love these photos of Hayley and Craig <3

Grief

They say men and women grieve differently. Up until last night I 'understood' but kind of didn't see it through my own eyes.

We were lying in bed, I was tired but awake and he was dozing. He cuddled me and asked if I was alright. I had just been looking at her photos on my phone and crying. I said I missed her. He snapped said he missed her too and that he doesn't want to be reminded everyday. He said that he doesn't want to forget her. I'm sorry but that sounds like he wants to forget, not talk about her. I don't know whether he actually meant it or whether he was just half asleep and shitty. I'm scared to ask him in case we get into an arguement. :/

Should I be over her death already? Am I not grieving normally? I haven't even called him today, I'm not going to bother. He'll ask why but meh.

I found this poem for fathers:

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Ya know.. I dont want to do this anymore. Nope. Im over it.

Meltdown

Why do I do this to myself?


I build up my feelings then get to a point where I can't take it anymore then have a total meltdown :( I miss my baby :( I want her back and I know shes never coming back but I fucking want her. This isn't right, we shouldn't be going through this. We should be sitting here totally in love with our little girl but that is never going to happen. I'll never see her smile, first words, crawling, walking, never see her walk down the isle. I know that's far away but I had so many dreams and hopes for her and now they are gone. Just to have that newborn cuddle again, god I'd do anything for that. The smell oh I love it.

We had the SIDS counsellor come over on Friday. He was a very nice man and we talked through everything. He mentioned about a couple of support groups but I don't think I need them atm. They also have a group for when your TTC or pregnant again. I think that's great. He is going to call again after Easter.

So my mum is on a plane back to Perth now. It all happened so quick at about 4.30pm she came to me and said she has an appointment with her solicitor on Tuesday and she cant cancel because she will get charged $160. I wasn't that worried and started to look for flights. Then there was a cheap one for tonight so I kind of talked her into taking it. Told her I'll be fine that I wont slit my wrists or anything, I think she felt really guilty for leaving. When we were saying goodbye at the airport I got all choked up. I don't know if I am going to be okay? The way I feel atm I'm not going to be okay. Craig is working Mon-Thurs. I just need to have a good cry I think, Ive held it in for too long.

Hayley mummy misses you :'(

Three long weeks

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since Hayley was born. Feels like so much longer, yet so raw still. I guess every week I'm going to be like this. Oh wow 4 weeks etc. The counsellor from SIDS and Kids rang today. He is coming over on Friday afternoon. I don't know how good it will be to talk to him? I mean what's he going to say that's different from anyone else? Hayley is gone, she isn't coming back. We'll see how it goes.

I couldn't sleep last night, the whole thing was running through my head. Going into the PAU, watching the monitor, wishing I'd yelled something out, wishing I had done something different. The fear I had when they were wheeling me down to surgery, the pain and mostly the look on Craig's face. That WTF is going on look. I always think about those 2 hours he spent alone, not knowing what was happening to me and Hayley. And for him to find out that 2 hours later that Hayley had passed away and to think of how devastated I was going to be. What about him? He was so strong. I don't know how he did it. That's my man <3

So back to the MIL files. Apparently before I get pregnant again... I need to lose weight. ROFL. This coming from that heffer. I look better 40 weeks pregnant than she does daily. My mum told her to go look in the mirror and that its like the pot calling the kettle black which she replied "that's uncalled for" ROFL. Seriously mole, you dish it out, you have to learn how to take it. Her ass is twice the size as mine and apparently its not the first time she has said it. When we went up to Cairns in October last year she said to Craig I needed to lose weight. Dude I was 18 weeks pregnant and Id lost 10-12kgs. Fuck you :) Sly, tight arse bitch. Oh and don't worry her day will come. I want to ask Craig about it but he has enough going on without me asking about her shit. 

I'm trying to think of the future. Three weeks until we find out if it was Placental abruption. Three weeks until I can think about seeing the fertility specialist again. I guess I need to see the GP too. So hopefully those things will keep me busy. I don't think so lol but the thought is nice. I wish this bleeding would stop. I got excited earlier because the blood was next to nothing but nope its back :( 

Three weeks on, we think about you every minute Hayley xo I hope you and Jack aren't getting into too much trouble up there!

Healing

So time for a gloating session. My C-section scar looks pretty damn good. There is only a little bit on the RHS that is sore. The rest is pretty good. DP looks at it every night to check and Im so anal about making sure its dry etc. Cant help it, its the nurse in me. So theres a picture below its taken by me on my phone so not the best quality but it gives you an idea of what it looks like. Its still numb/painful on my B stomach but still looking/feeling good.

So to more pressing matters. DP's parents came over today. Now MIL never looked at Hayley's photos because "she wasnt ready"... how fucking convienient she decides she is "ready" today. Considering they are going back on Tuesday and today was the last day we would see them. I guess its good for DP that they have finally seen them all. But Im not fooled. When someone cant even call their grand-daughter by her name but can say "that baby" or "it". She has pissed me off way too many times in the last nearly 2 weeks for me not to talk to her for a long time. So much that if/when we get pregnant again I don't even want to tell her. My parents/siblings have been more support for DP than his own. Which is very sad.

Im off to bed. Even though I got up at 2pm, Im tired.  

On this note I leave this poem.

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without. 

 We love and miss you so much Hayley. <3

Feeling shithouse

Nothing matters anymore?

Footy used to be my outlet, I'd do anything for it. Now? I couldnt give two shits tbh.

I have just spent an hour looking and crying over Hayley's photos. God she is beautiful. Why was she taken from us? Since when is this fair? 

I'm so sick of seeing people complain about their kids, what they have done. AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOME. WE ARE LEFT WITH NOTHING, NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY NURSERY AND EMPTY ARMS.

Fuck, be thankful for what you have got.

I have such a headache from all these thoughts racing through my head. I hope I wake up tomorrow in a better frame of mind. Craig's parents are supposedly coming over tomorrow. I need all my strength to not slap the fuck out of his mother. Complaining about shit, cant call Hayley by her name.

Isnt she beautiful.

Birth story

She was one very wanted baby. After 1.5 years of TTC we finally became pregnant. Very apprehensively we got through the pregancy. I feel I always knew something was going to go wrong. It was all too good to be true.

It got towards the end of the pregnancy about 37 weeks when I was getting so anxious. So anxious looking back I think I needed medication TBH. At my 38 week appt I told them how I was feeling and about my dreams that I was going to leave hospital empty handed. When I went back for monitoring for my BP the dr gave me a S&S at 38+3. The next day I lost my plug.

So came the 40w appointment. They couldnt find my file. GREAT. Then my name was called and it was the person who I never wanted to see. She only had a piece of paper and said "Well, we cant find your file, dont worry it happens from time to time.. so I know nothing about you!" ... okay.. The usual appt went by and I said Id like another S&S. She bluntly told me she doesnt believe in them and that if the first one didnt work OBVIOUSLY a second wouldnt. SO I made another appt for 41w and noticed on the slip that it had "tracked to birth suite" on it. WHY DIDNT THEY GO AND GET IT? Seriously? I would have gone to get it. I got to my car and I started hyperventilating and crying, I called DP and vented to him.

Monday 21/3/11

At about 1.30pm I felt a weird kinda movement thing I thought that was weird. At about 2pm I started getting some pains thinking they were BH I went to Safeway did some shopping and stuff then came home. At about 4pm maybe they really started to ramp up. I called the hospital at about 6pm and said the contractions were 6mins apart lasting for like 30 seconds. She said to stay home and monitor them. At about 7pm maybe or a little later I called back and said I just couldnt handle the pain anymore so she said to come in. When we got in she put the trace on and Hayleys HR was 180 and I was in excruiciating pain. This indian dr came in and sat there looking at the trace. her HR wasnt going from 180. He put in a cannula then suddenly there was another 3-4 doctors in there monitoring her.

Then a few minutes later this dr that was holding the thing on my tummy said that its gone to 50 CALL A CODE. Then Im being asked to get on a trolley. They are yelling to each other to call theatre, get the lift, the door and whatnot. Poor DP was standing there not knowing what to do he ended up coming with me. I was crying asking whats going on etc. I get wheeled into theatre and patslided over to the bed. They were asking me all these questions. I could feel the dr giving me an internal and then the catheter went in. All this while I have a mask on my face and I was getting stripped and the cold betadine being rubbed on my belly.

Then I was out cold.

I woke up and DP was standing next to me. I was saying wheres my baby, wheres my baby is she alright? The dr then told me she didnt make it. DP said I just howled NOOOO. And sobbed. Then a bit later Hayley was brought to us. God she was beautiful, just stunning. I started to shake her, trying to make her wake up but she didnt. TBH I dont remember heaps of this bit because I was so drugged. I do remember they took me to the normal ward to a room right next to the nursery. I could hear all these screaming babies. Then they came in and asked if we wanted to go back to the birth suite so we did.

We didnt know anything that happened. The dr came in and said that when they got Hayley out she wasnt breathing. They worked on her for 40 minutes, I lost 900mls of blood and she was so distressed in there that there was so much meconium. They dont really know why yet but their guess is Placental abruption.