Horrible dreams.

I don't dream alot anymore. Which I am happy about because I know when I do it's horrible and I end up feeling shit for the rest of the day.

I was having a c-section and I had a baby girl. She was screaming, we were happy and I think Craig was jumping up and down at one point. Then suddenly they ran out with her and we just looked at each other like wtf. I don't know how I got there but I was standing at this glass door (the same door as the pregnancy assessment unit at Monash). When I looked inside they were doing CPR on 2 babies. I was pounding on the door crying and screaming Caitlin, wanting to know if it was my baby. I never found out because I woke up in tears :(

I hope it isn't a sign of things to come. Feel like just giving up

Emotion overload

Hmm..

So I thought going interstate for the footy would help me.. ya know.. getting back to normal or whatever normal is now. I was wrong.

At 2pm on Friday we left Melbourne for Adelaide. All was well thought it was going to be great blah blah. About 4 hours in L started blabbering on and on about her new grand-daughter (4 months old) for about an hour. For half of it it was alright I chucked my earphones in and listened to some music but then my iphone went flat :( And I had to listen to it for ages. As it kept going the more and more I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. When we finally got there we had something to eat and checked in to the motel. I had a shower and went to bed.

The next morning we went to Glenelg, had a coffee with the yuppies, walked around etc. Then L takes me walking through a kids play area with a merry go round and shit. I so didnt need that. Seeing happy happy families playing with their kids. What another kick in the guts. Went to Harbourtown.. of course being a Saturday there is pram, babies, families everywhere. I normally dont put myself in this position or else I end up in the position I am in now. Angry, sad and generally over living.

On the way to Adelaide, L said she has lost 5 babies. a set of twins at 18 weeks, her daughters twin and 2 m/c. Am I the only one in thinking that she was very inconsiderate? She knew what happened to me/us. Why spend so long going on about her grand-daughter? I guess in the end its my problem and I should deal with it. I think I dealt with it pretty good. But Im the dickhead for putting myself in that situation. I didnt know anything about L before this trip so yeah.

So anyway my friend B was supposed to tell L that we were flying home on Saturday night after the game. Then L starts going on about where we will go on Sunday. Im thinking wtf? So I got B on her won (finally) and said Uh.. have you told her we are flying home? B: uh no. Me: WTF why? SO I waited and waited and by the end (at half time) I said to B are you going to tell her or not because I will. Shes like well you tell her then. FFS ok. I told her and L was fine with it but was wondering why B didnt tell her. All good we won. After match function was shit, I was sick of humanity and ended up grabbing my stuff and waiting outside for everyone to come out. I could feel myself getting more worked up as the time went on.

We had something to eat and then L drove us to the airport and yeah. Flew home. We got in at about 11.15pm and I said to B call K to see if he can leave to pick us up. And she goes ohh I hope he has finished work.. Im thinking fucking great we call no answer, I tried to call his work no answer, tried to call her niece no answer. By the end we ended up getting a taxi which cost $81 to her house. If I had known he wasnt going to pick us up like he said I would have left my car at the airport and then drove B home then went home. I got home at 1.30am after having a sob in the car on the way home. Everything just felt like a weight of bricks on my head I couldnt take it anymore. Was happy to be home.

Im thinking of cancelling my flights to Brisbane if its going to be like this again. I missed Craig and I wasnt ready for a night away. Brisbane is 2 nights away, I dont think I can handle it at the moment.

It wasnt just the inconsiderate conversations etc it was the little comments too. "Oh dont worry you'll have another one" or "I believe she was an angel not ready for this earth just yet"

I DONT WANT ANOTHER BABY. I WANT MY BABY BACK. NO BABY WILL REPLACE HER. EVER.

Nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever.

Alot

Been alot going on since my last post. I have been lazy not posting really.

We both went to the FS the other week. He was a bit confused why we were there when I'm supposed to have a 2 month old. We told him the story and he was kind of appauled that it happened and the ending of it all. "Its not the way I would have done things" was his words. He sent me for some bloods that the hospital already did while I was there and some bloods to see if I was ovulating. And to see him in 2 weeks.

Two weeks passed and again I found him back in his office with my trusty notepad full of questions. At first he goes well you ovulated! And I was like what?!? I looked at the level and I thought hmm thats strange it seems so similar to the level last year. So I went on and he answered all the questions I had. We have a less than 5% chance of an abruption happening again. I told him as an ob he was too expensive and that I cant afford him. He sold himself pretty well to me and said when the time comes call him and he will look after me. Yay for a discount. He is such a good doctor, yes he may be arrogant but hey arent they all? Just before I was going to leave I said bah, are you sure I ovulated? So he got out the results again and looked and went oh look no you didnt. He got the years wrong. Phew. I got a script for clomid, one for provera (to bring on my period) and a path slip for CD23 BT to see if I have ovulated. So I think the appointment went really well.

That was the Thursday, the next day I had an ultrasound at Monash because the doctor that delivered Hayley recons that I might have PCOS. Whatever I thought, a free look at my bits why not. MAN I didnt realise how emotional I would be walking back into that hospital alone. I have been back a couple of times, but both times Ive either had Ingri or Craig with me so going alone was really hard. I got into the waiting room and there was like a 16 year old girl pregnant sitting opposite me. I thought are you fucking serious. Here she is, just out of a womb herself and having a baby that she nor her partner will be able to provide for and my baby's ashes are in our cupboard. It was fucked. So I had the ultrasound, I may or may not have cried to the doctors in there then he goes Ohhh I know about you. Ive seen the trace, wow that was a weird one, Im so sorry. Oh and your ultrasound looks like you may have PCOS but the BT's will help. GREAT, my body fucking hates me I thought.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I had tears going out the front door. People at work were pretty good. I was doing the meds and the bank girl came up to me and was like Oooh Koby have you had the baby yet?!? I was like yep. She's like awww what did you have?! Im like a girl. Shes like Aw so sweet a baby girl, Im like mmmm.. and she walked away. I tried to find her because I just had to tell her. Then I was walking around and the porter cam up to me and goess I havent seen you in ages, hows the baby going? That broke me down, I just burst into tears. I felt sorry for the poor guy, he didnt know, the bank girl didnt know. After I had a cry and some cuddles I was alright. The bank girl said she knew she had said something wrong from the look on my face. Oh well, the rest of the day went okay except for the greek lady falling. All good.

I also forgot to kinda mentioned that we are engaged :)

Its beautiful :) I chose it myself :)

So this weekend Im going to Adelaide. Driving over with a few people from the cheer squad and flying back on Saturday night. Hopefully it will all go alright.

Toodles for now.

Catch up

Wow been awhile hasn't it.

Just been plodding along really. My sister arrived last night from Perth for a couple of weeks. Been good to have her here, taking my mind of things. But tonight I dunno what has set me off, I cant stop thinking about her, about what I'm missing out on. Just had a shower so I could have a good cry. :(

On Thursday I went to Craig's work to have lunch with him and I saw his bosses wife there. We had lunch blah blah the boys went back to work and we sat there talking.. and she asked how I was and that was it the tears flowed. We talked for about an hour. I think I needed it, to talk to someone else you know. I also made my first trip to Southland after that. Was hard actually, children everywhere :( Everyone except me seemed to have a baby or be pregnant.

On Friday a girl from work rang and we went out for lunch at a cafe in Mordialloc. It was alright, wasn't really in the mood but I dragged myself out anyway. When I got home about a half an hour after Kevin from SIDS and Kids rang and omg did I need to talk to someone. Blabbed on about stuff for an hour with him. Felt bad for wasting his time really, probably so many other mums out there that need him too.

Man, I just want her back. Just a cuddle but I know I couldn't stop at that. I want her back forever. Its not fucking fair. I'm over it. 

I'm going to the GP tomorrow. I'm not sleeping well :( I guess for a 6 week check up too and a referral to see Dr Lawrence again. I just have to try and think positive to the future like Craig tells me to. Fuck its hard, how does he do it because at times like this I can't.

?

Went for a nice drive today. To Healesville and then had a look at Marysville. Healesville was a bit boring, the only good thing there was the Beechworth Bakery. And that my pie was awesome. Marysville was also boring, seriously I thought they would have rebuilt it already after the fires. So much work to go I recon. 

We were sitting in the bakery eating and there was babies and kids everywhere. I was thinking how we could have been there with Hayley, wheeling her around, smiling and laughing. Bit sad really. I cant even really enjoy anything anymore. It might have also been because just before we were leaving mum called me to say this girl I have known for ages is pregnant. She is 25, married to some Balinese guy, no job and still lives at home. Sigh. I hate my life. 

Enough for now.

Unaware

Was reading the Teddy Love Club book we got when Hayley died. There is a quote in it from another grieving mother and its so bloody true.

"It's more than the loss of your baby, Loss of a chance at motherhood, Loss of being blissfully unaware"

True isn't it. Every pregnancy from now on is going to be full of anxiety, not just from me but from him too. I was harping on about it last night when I was feeling down. Going on and on about it, I didn't mean to its just I will never have that nice pregnancy again filled with no worry. Ill always be anxious. Is he/she alive? OMG it hasn't moved in so long he/she must be dead etc.

I know I think way too far ahead but I also think about what if I don't get to take the next baby home? How will we cope with that? I had a vision of knocking myself off after that thought. I couldn't do this again. Imagine going through a whole pregnancy again to leave empty handed, go through another c section, another funeral. I cant, I wont. I am not going through this again, Id rather not be here at all.

Craig got a bit shirty at me last night over it all. Says I don't care about what he is feeling. He never says anything. I'm the one who cries, gets angry. I lied, he SOMETIMES says something. But I don't want to speak on behalf of him. We are feeling the same thing but in different ways. He went on to say about how he never gets any support. I support him if he wants to talk about it but I think he meant from outside people. His parents gave him no support and I think that's what he wanted. I suggested talking to the SIDS counsellor but he wouldn't have a bar of it. What can I do? 

Forgot to mention the other day I paid for my application to get my medical records. *waits* Only 10 days until we hopefully find out what went wrong. Hopefully it comes up with something, I mean it should. But I don't know how we would feel if it was "unexplained". 

I am lying in Hayley's room at the moment, it smells like baby wipes. Its so lovely. 

Love you Hayley xox

One month

One month ago our baby girl was born, our hopes and dreams were dashed and we were filled with heartache and sorrow. :( 

It feels like so much longer. I really can't believe its only been a month.Sigh I/We miss her so much. I try not to cry in front of Craig about her. I dont want to upset him. Even though he doesnt care if I do but I dont think he wats to be reminded about it all the time. Because once we start we get onto the feeling ripped off and why's and what if's. 

Also today I made my first appearance back at Monash. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Ingrid and I took the basket of stuff up to the birth suite and met Kat (MW) there. The reason I was there is because Ingrid nominated Kat for an award within Southern Health and she was one of five winners for the March quarter. Ingrid did a lovely entry for her and I teared up when the man was reading it out. How caring and compassionate she was for a patient who lost their baby during labour. Kat deserved that award so much. In my eyes she deserves more than that. She went beyond the call of duty. Taking photos for us, putting them on disks, staying behind 2 hours after her shift had finished because I was being discharged. Theres so much more she has done which I could never thank her enough for. Today she gave me this photo she took at Phi Phi Island in Thailand. She wrote her name in the sand. Cried like a bitch when I got home after Ingrid left. 

Isn't it beautiful?? I love it so much.

Also ladies from the BB forum all pitched in and got us this beautiful painting on a canvas.

 

It is absolutely gorgeous. Again I cried like a bitch :/ Ive decided when I finally get to take a baby home (please soon) that Ill put it up under the cot. It will be like she is looking over her brother/sister.

I love these photos of Hayley and Craig <3